(I told you, I have a lot to say!)
Since returning from the retreat I’ve been managing my emotions well…well, maybe. Today I had a moment of sadness and I was missing having a spouse on whom I can lean on. That’s what I miss about being married, having someone who I can fall apart with on occasion. I don’t miss the ex, and frankly, he really was ill-equipped for providing emotional support. But just believing I had someone to watch my back was good, comforting.
I’m usually the one who watches other people’s backs these days. I can’t let my kids see me wavering in my strength. They need to know I’m there for them so they can move forward with their lives. I can’t let my parents see me wavering either. For so many reasons. Partially to support them in a difficult time for them, but also because my mother will swoop in with judgments and unsolicited/inappropriate/misdirected advice, and then I need time to blow that off as well. Like she just did a few minutes ago.
So I'm going to go through an emotional cycle here to workout my angst of the moment. And then I'm free to go to Safeway for a little grocery shopping therapy. I'm not doing this to illicit advice from anyone out there. I'm just working through the pain right now. If you care to let me know how my cycle affected you, you can email me directly at SimplyGeorgious@gmail.com.
1. I feel sadness and anger. I feel sad because I wish I had someone I could go to when I feel overwhelmed with life. I don't really know what to do when I feel like this. I have friends, good friends I know I can go to, but it's not the same as having a spouse. I'm angry because the ex kicked me out of the life I created for myself, the life I helped build for our family. He sent me away from my home, friends and support system, my things. He gave away my dog without asking me! He emotionally abandoned our children and told me he doesn't think they need him any longer. He thinks sending money to them will be enough at this point in their lives, and that a weekly webcam appointment will help them to feel connected with him. I'm doing all the parenting! He lives on the other side of the planet working at a job and having sex that he probably has to pay for.
(And why do some men, a lot of men, think that's okay? Because their lives are all about the orgasms? Is spending cash to get orgasms via complete strangers so worthy as a life pursuit?)
(I'm actually grateful that he's not here - on my behalf, and to protect my sons.)
2. Unrealistic expectations - that I will not be able to comfort myself when I'm feeling down. That somehow crying on my own, feeling sorrow for my situation for myself isn't self-validating, and it's not good enough.
3. Realistic expectations - I can comfort myself, just by using this cycle tool, if I take the time to do it. I am entitled to my sorrow. It is the experience of my situation and it is realistic to expect that I will feel sadness over it. As well as anger.
Well now, this feels like a bit of a grind in...I am entitled to my sorrow.
I am entitled to my sorrow.
I am entitled to my sorrow.
I am entitled to my sorrow.
I am entitled to my sorrow.
I am entitled to my sorrow.
I am entitled to my sorrow.
I am entitled to my sorrow.
I am entitled to my sorrow.
I am entitled to my sorrow.
I am entitled to my sorrow.
3. What do I need right now. I need to accept that I will have sorrow about my situation. As well as anger. I need to accept that I won't be able to ignore it. I need to avoid helping other people in order to avoid experiencing my own emotions. I need to ask for and accept help when I really need it.
4. So, after that exercise, I feel at peace. I feel grateful to have learned this method to manage my emotional states. I feel a little sad that I can't share the intimacy I long for with another person, and that's okay to feel. I feel relieved that I can accept and feel validated by my tears. I am happy to accept that I am entitled to my sorrow.
Now I can go to Safeway! Thank you for listening.
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