Hunting for my passion

Last night I watched an episode from the PBS show Life (Part 2).  The series is in the format of a panel discussion and concerns itself with issues surrounding the second half of life, like finding oneself in the Sandwich Generation, aging and fear, sex after 50, etc. The show is now in its second season.

The episode I watched last night was entitled "Boomer Dating". During the course of the show, author Gail Sheehy, who has recently published Sex and the Seasoned Woman: Pursuing the Passionate Life, talked about moving forward as a woman through the second stage of adulthood.

Watching this episode got my brain shifting gears, which led me to another sleepless night...so I'm writing under the influence of heavy dosages of caffeine at the moment. (Forgive me if I sound a little scattered.) I considered how my adult life has been a struggle between doing for others and doing things for myself. I never seem to be at peace straddling those seemingly divergent courses, but I think they're divergent because I'm approaching them without purpose. This has led me to the conclusion that I need to pin down my purpose in this life, to find my passion, and to make peace with the fact that I have responsibilities, some of which I gladly tend to, and some with great reluctance.

In my late-night research, I Googled. I found an excerpt from Gail Sheehy's latest book. She relates a lot of anecdotes from women who, compared to me, seem highly sexualized. Is that what I'm shooting for? I had a problem with that for this time in my life. I'm not feeling very sexual at all. Not that I'm not capable of experiencing and participating in my own sex life. It just feels like the desire for it has been beaten out of me for now. I finally came to the understanding that when I feel more settled and centered in my self-identity, my sexual side will re-emerge, and I will be the one to enjoy the benefit!

So, now I need to pin down my passion in life. Really tough, because my passions are varied and divergent at times, and flare up in the moment only to flame out shortly thereafter. I'll take a little time here to list some items that I feel strongly about right now, in no particular order.

1. I want to build my own home, a sanctuary of my own where I can be comfortable with being myself, that supports my pursuits and passions of the moment. In that home I will be able to entertain guests adequately, from one close friend to a house full of spontaneous revelry. I will have a lovely yard which will seamlessly flow from the house. I will have a space dedicated to my health and welfare, and another that nurtures my creative pursuits. I envision a lot of windows, natural elements. I don't know exactly where this home will be, but I want it in town, in an older residential neighborhood. I want to take an existing structure, preserve some of its elements and update others. I'm thinking mid-century modern meets Bali style. And I see a 1954 Citroen, black, with cream leather interior in the garage. And a handsome young driver/mechanic to chauffeur me around and maintain the vehicle. (I'm already gaining peace from envisioning this home. I think I'll devote a portion of my time designing it.)
2. I want to achieve good health and sense of well-being. For me, that requires losing weight, getting physically fit plus resolving sleep apnea, borderline type 2 diabetes and high-blood pressure. I want to feel good, vibrant enough to indulge my healthy whims of the moment. I will be hiking, biking, snow shoeing, fly fishing, sailing and traveling all over the world. I have to be in shape for that!
3. I want to raise my sons well, equipped to embrace their adult lives, full of confidence, knowing they are loved, unfettered by trauma and guilt.
4. I want to finish college, completing my degrees, up to MFA in creative writing.
5. I want to write great books and plays, and see my plays produced.
6. Eventually I want to find a great life partner, one who is not at all intimidated by me and my passions and ideas. I don't have to marry him. We don't have to be joined at the hip and listen to all the same music. I just want to have him in my life, someone who I truly love, and passionately so, who also truly loves the real me as I am. I am a faithful woman. That's got to mean something to somebody.

That's enough for now. It felt good to write it all down. I'm starting to get a vision.